Hey everyone, who's gonna read my random writing here?

It's so random cause this sentimental feeling strike again after I socialized with my college friend these days after we gathered together for one of friend wedding. It's so damn hard to describe my feeling right now. I'm feeling so scared, I'm confused and feeling totally unconfident. Masking my face with a fake big smile even it's so hollow. It's so tiring, but I shouldn't have to quit. For the first time in my life, I thought feeling so burden here. The pressure and the expectation from family, oh God... it's so damn freaking hard. I cried my self every middle of the night and even at random time. You know, this is the first time, I'm starting to really hate my self. I hate seeing my self in this continuous pitiful state.

And I really... really... really hate when even my self underestimates my own self!

Even such a positive saying to lift up by colleagues and friends has no impact. "You can do it" "Semangat" is such a bullshit crap I've had enough consuming. But no, it doesn't mean I give up. I won't give up for my precious self. I still have a dream to go to Africa or having my own brand design, or having a moment in my life for driving alone on my own while listening to my favorite music in the evening. I wanna have my own garden, I wanna live near a coastal area with palm surrounding. Life is just once and I don't want to jump into this sucking deep dark hole. My mind, my body, my soul, my potential, need their rights. I know it's so hard. But when all the bad thoughts flooding my mind, I tried for a hundred times keep repelled my own mantra:

"Even it's so hard, it won't change unless you start to make a move"

I keep replaying this saying every time the negative energy try to beat me inside as in the past days. In the old days, I often cried myself till I get tired then falling asleep. But it's so exhausting and drained my soul so much. I tried to write a plan to get up even it's a baby step but at least I tried.

And now, watching your surrounding getting married, having kids, finding love, having their dream job, earning money, chasing post graduate. While I'm here still stuck with college in my 24 and I NEVER EXPECTED THIS PHASE IN MY LIFE!!

They said, don't compare ourselves with the other. Okay, I stop comparing my self to them. But then my non-main family, kinda extended big family is! I respond to them with my 'bodo amat' respond. How about asking my condition and cheer me up with some tasty food, I don't need that pity gaze man. They don't know how much I work upon my study or even strength my mental for not comparing my own self to the others. I hate it so much that even so many not closed person would ask me with the curiosity wether is about my dark love life. My love life is blurring man.

It's so hard to stay positive when everything seems so hard and impossible, and you feel all alone because you scared to ask help from the others :(

but one day, I felt little moved because what the barista saying on my cappuccino cup :') even it's just an ordinary service act, but I appreciate it :)

Oh damn, maybe instead I rant with more unnecessary things, I should work on my confidence, skill, and all. Everything's need to get fixed and finished. Slowly but surely take a step every day.

And I miss cuddling my kitties so much :'(